People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
