ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
