saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
