oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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