ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
