we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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