Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
