Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
