at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
