I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
