Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Randomize
