In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Your penis caused this!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
