My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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