**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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