i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
