i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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