I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
