I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
