My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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