We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
