chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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