I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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