My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
