my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
