got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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