Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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