Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
