You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
