I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
