im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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