remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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