I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
