I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
