nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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