I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
