if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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