I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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