ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
