this just has baby written all over it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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