Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
