If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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