mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
