As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
