hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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