had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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