Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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