dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
