He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
