it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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