dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
