I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize