If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
