STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......