my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"