I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.