I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
