apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
