nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
