Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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