Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
