also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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