Im at strip club and am horny
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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